PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
