The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
