if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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