The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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