your thong is hanging out like whoa
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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