i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
