My first STD was from a foam party
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
