I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
