Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
