I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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