we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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