Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize