I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
