So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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