Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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