based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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