oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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