How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
