who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
