I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
