you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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