God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You ruined the universe
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
