you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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