textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
