My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize