if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
