Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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