She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
if only i could text you this smell
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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