Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
