I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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