i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
