If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
