Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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