just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
