i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
