Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
