So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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