I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
