Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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