I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
