Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
