dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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