If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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