i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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