u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
