i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
