I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize