New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
