Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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