it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
