im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
