fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
