it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
