just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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