I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
